Saturday, February 6, 2010

Hating Gwyneth Paltrow

OK, Smuggy McSmug, get over yourself!

If you only knew how many people have contacted us, petitioning to please add your name to our rich roster…why you might even break down and eat an In-N-Out burger.

Leave it to those cultured and sophisticated French to come up with the juste
way to describe people like Gwyneth: “Elle p├Ęte plus haut que son cul.” Which translates roughly, if you’ll pardon our French, as “She farts higher than her asshole.”

Insiders at the Hate for Hire West Coast offices tell us that the scuttlebutt around Hollywood (OK, West Hollywood) is that Gwyneth came by her Oscar-grabbing role in ‘Shakespeare in Love’ by not-so-honorable means. Seems she was picking up former BFF Winona Ryder for an afternoon out and, while Ryder was showering, GP saw the ‘Shakespeare’ script on her desk, started reading it, and almost broke a finger speed-dialing her agent, demanding, “Get this for ME!” Fast forward to Oscar Night 1999 and a weepy acceptance speech that, we’re told, left a big wet spot on the stage floor.
Enough said.

Yes, yes, coals to Newcastle. We don’t really need to take her on, you’re saying, because so many people hate her already (as a quick google will confirm). But we’re charged with assuming the responsibility so that millions of you can exhale and just let it go. We’ll gladly do that and offer it up. (Who does like her anyway?)

Did we mention that Gwyneth shares a most irritating habit with her current BFF and play-date mom Madonna? How is it that each of them affects a phony British accent that seems to be activated simply by their changing planes at Heathrow? Stop it!

Personal message to Michael C: If you’re still on the fence about this one, please refer to her oddly named website ( wherein she dispenses mucho unsolicited advice on personal fashion (see photo above), nutrition, relationships, finance and whatever else might “nourish the inner aspect.” Don’t get us started!

Oh, we wish things were otherwise. We really do. And we long for the day when this young lady wakes up, sees what a fool she’s made of herself and snaps out of it. But until then, we’re siding with those French. Just take a gander at this photo of GP with her mother, the radiant Blythe Danner. It doesn’t take more than a quick glance to see why Mother Blythe will always have a special place in our hearts, while Daughter Gwyneth, well, won’t.

Gwyneth Paltrow:
Officially registered at Hate for Hire, February 6, 2010.

1 comment:

NICKINNY said...

Please add to her list of hateful characteristics: She's friends with Mario Batali (a BIG candidate for your full and separate consideration) and she endorsed the stupid and worthless Hummingbird Bakery Cookbook, though to her credit (is that allowed here?), she only said that she buys there, not that she likes to book...