Hate: A Philosophical Approach....Four Quickies

Can you hate someone on sight? And is that really hate? And where do you draw the fine line between hate and irritation? These are some of the dizzying questions raised by recent submissions here at Hate for Hire. And, golly, for once we don’t have all the answers. So, we look to the experts.

Aristotle viewed hate as a desire for the annihilation of an object that is incurable by time. Descartes thought it was an awareness that something is bad combined with an urge to withdraw from it. Freud's take is a little too complex and guilt-riddled for our site here. But the Penguin Dictionary of Psychology defines hate as a "deep, enduring, intense emotion expressing animosity, anger, and hostility towards a person, group, or object." We'll buy that. And because hatred is believed to be long-lasting, many psychologists consider it to be more of an attitude or disposition than a temporary emotional state. Got that? OK, now keep it all in mind as you read today's entries below.

“For the moment, I can only suggest Dennis Franz because of his rather distinctively unappealing hairdo.” (A later email from the same camp specifies Franz’s “detto baldish pudding bowl” look. Yes, and thanks for the foto, seen here.) We understand and sympathize. And we’ll gladly take him on. But wouldn’t you agree (as you reference “random gripes and semi-hate situations”) that this hair-based objection lacks the proper degree of seething that true hate inspires? Come on, man, what do you think Descartes would have to say to this! However, as you'll see, you are not alone on the hair/hate front; please read on.

“I hate Olympic snowboarder Shaun White’s hair,” another petitioner complains. Mere annoyance? Or true hate in the Aristotelian sense? Again, we’ll put him (actually it) on our list. But we’re hankering for some real honest-to-goodness loathing. The kind that lends itself to rent garments and blood-lust slayings. Something slightly more Homeric in scope, s’il vous plaît.

More than one early enthusiast demurred from fingering anyone by name, queasy about “the whole karma thing.” (cf. Freud, supra.) Um, that’s our sole purpose here at Hate for Hire. We take it on so you don’t have to.

Anyone? Anyone?

“I guess I could suggest the Kardashians.” OK, this is something the philosophy department here at H4H would classify as “decaf hate.” Yes, the self-publicized celebutantes and reality (alleged) TV personalities sure are annoying.

The eponymous perfume ad campaign for “Kim Kardashian...the voluptuous new fragrance” speaks for itself. And the obligatory sex-home-video “leak” was even more laughable. (We predict her talent and skills--both of them--could buy her a one-way ticket to a minor role in some James Bond film.) But, again, we don’t sense any elevated pulse or burst blood vessels around this submistion. We want smoke coming out of your ears, preferably accompanied by a spinning bow-tie. Still, we’re charged with taking on your burdens, light or voluptuous as they may be.

Lady Gaga. “Enough already.”

Period.

All four of these submissions have been turned over to the JV team here at Hate for Hire. Look for results soon. And meanwhile, let’s hear some real robusta, high-octane, sponge-worthy catcalls, people. (As two of our favorite professional malcontents have recently joined the wireless generation and can check our site now from their mobiles, our hopes are high.)

Dennis Franz (Upgraded to Varsity; see comments below)
Shaun White's hair
Kim Kardashian and family
Lady Gaga:
Officially registered at Hate for Hire (JV), February 22, 2010.

Hating CorporateSpeak

Action item Assign ownership At the end of the day Bandwidth Brain dump Brand agnostic Breadcrumbing Bring to the table Buy-in Chin-wagging Circle-slash Core competency Drink the Kool-Aid Elevator pitch Empower Hard stop Leverage Low-hanging fruit Metric Out of the loop Outside the box Outsourcing Paradigm shift Pre-meeting Silo approach Take it offline....

Remember when all we had to hate was “mission statement”? Then “value-added” snuck in somehow. (Sadly, Hate for Hire was not around to neutralize that one in the bud.) And now look what’s happened. In an imagined move toward becoming “world class,” many corporations are caught in an endless loop of “reaching out” and “circling back,” pursuing some illusory and vainglorious goal of “instilling best practices.” The result? An explosion of corporate mimics who echo an oddly convoluted patois that we should be laughing at rather than emulating. Thank you for the submission; we at Hate for Hire are happy to take this on.

A recent fear-based colleague, a complete fraud, used little else but Corporate- Speak, probably because it generally allowed him to say a lot without meaning a thing. “I’m charged with elevating the work,” he announced. When we asked “What does that mean?” he became quite flummoxed and couldn’t answer. When he finally did, it was more (and more and more) of the same gibberish, a “scenic route” smokescreen approach toward an incomprehensible non-answer. Moron!

Even people we might otherwise respect can slide into these reprehensible bad-language habits. One co-worker, a generally nice guy and thorough professional, once asked us to “dialogue” with him about something. Excuse me? “Can’t we just talk about it?” we asked. He seemed confused.

Why do so many corporations and, by extension, their employees talk like this? Stop it! Don’t you know people are laughing at you?

For your amusement, we direct you toward two related websites:
Business Buzzword Bingo! has kept us awake through many a tortured blowhard meeting.
And the handy Web Economy Bullshit Generator (thank you, Monica) usually has us snickering in sympathy by the fourth hit (maximum).

We encourage you to list your own CorporateSpeak annoyances in the “Comments” section below (you may have to hit "post comment" a second time if the system tells you to "try again later.") And to show solidarity by hating this widespread aberration along with us.

CorporateSpeak:
Officially registered at Hate for Hire, February 11, 2010.

Hating Gwyneth Paltrow

OK, Smuggy McSmug, get over yourself!


If you only knew how many people have contacted us, petitioning to please add your name to our rich roster…why you might even break down and eat an In-N-Out burger.

Leave it to those cultured and sophisticated French to come up with the juste way to describe people like Gwyneth: “Elle pète plus haut que son cul.” Which translates roughly, if you’ll pardon our French, as “She farts higher than her asshole.”

Insiders at the Hate for Hire West Coast offices tell us that the scuttlebutt around Hollywood (OK, West Hollywood) is that Gwyneth came by her Oscar-grabbing role in ‘Shakespeare in Love’ by not-so-honorable means. Seems she was picking up former BFF Winona Ryder for an afternoon out and, while Ryder was showering, GP saw the ‘Shakespeare’ script on her desk, started reading it, and almost broke a finger speed-dialing her agent, demanding, “Get this for ME!” Fast forward to Oscar Night 1999 and a weepy acceptance speech that, we’re told, left a big wet spot on the stage floor.
Enough said.

Yes, yes, coals to Newcastle. We don’t really need to take her on, you’re saying, because so many people hate her already (as a quick google will confirm). But we’re charged with assuming the responsibility so that millions of you can exhale and just let it go. We’ll gladly do that and offer it up. (Who does like her anyway?)

Did we mention that Gwyneth shares a most irritating habit with her current BFF and play-date mom Madonna? How is it that each of them affects a phony British accent that seems to be activated simply by their changing planes at Heathrow? Stop it!

Personal message to Michael C: If you’re still on the fence about this one, please refer to her oddly named website (www.goop.com) wherein she dispenses mucho unsolicited advice on personal fashion (see photo above), nutrition, relationships, finance and whatever else might “nourish the inner aspect.” Don’t get us started!

Oh, we wish things were otherwise. We really do. And we long for the day when this young lady wakes up, sees what a fool she’s made of herself and snaps out of it. But until then, we’re siding with those French. Just take a gander at this photo of GP with her mother, the radiant Blythe Danner. It doesn’t take more than a quick glance to see why Mother Blythe will always have a special place in our hearts, while Daughter Gwyneth, well, won’t.

Gwyneth Paltrow:
Officially registered at Hate for Hire, February 6, 2010.

From the Mailbag

The new year has brought a gratifying bounty of heady correspondence from loyal and enthusiastic readers. Here’s a sampling.

Q. What’s the best way to submit hate objects for your consideration?

A. We check our hateforhire@gmail.com mailbox regularly; that’s the best way to reach us with requests.

Q. Do I have to actually name the person I'd like you to hate for me? I don't really want my boss’s name emblazoned across your website.

A. “Emblazoned”? A pretty feisty word for someone who recoils from naming names. Relax. No need to mention anyone by name. A description of the person, perhaps an imaginative alias, and your reasons…that’s enough to get us started.

Q. Does the person have to be a celebrity like Chevy Chase?

A. A face-making crybaby has-been does not qualify as a celebrity. Check Wikipedia if you don’t believe us. That said, we welcome everyone to our rich and growing roster here at Hate for Hire. Someone deserve your enmity? We’re there.

Q. Would you hate a thing for me rather than a person?

A. We think the answer is “Of course.” But in this business, specificity is key. So, “organized religion”: Poor. “Catholicism”: OK. “Roman Catholicism”: Better. “The Pope”: Bingo!

Similarly, one petitioner asked us to hate “carbohydrates.” Our evidence (admittedly anecdotal) indicates that most people who hate carbs one day are hot-footin’ it to the snackies aisle the very next. With all due respect, may we direct your request to the Love/Hate for Hire team down the hall?

Q. We hate business-speak and similar phony language used by corporate moron parrots. Would you please hate this for us?

A. You bet. Any favorites to get the team cookin’?

Q. How come you took two whole months between blog entries?

A. Be nice. It’s been very cold here in our New England offices, making typing a bit more difficult than usual. We resolve to be much more timely in postings for 2010.

To show our good faith, here’s a preview: Gwyneth Paltrow better watch her step if she knows what’s good for her.

Haters, on your mark!