Saturday, December 18, 2010

Into the fire...and farewell

Oh, wouldn't you know it? The minute we announce the retirement of our Hate for Hire blog, floods of requests come in, begging us for some eleventh-hour resentment work. Hating Katy Perry? Hating the DVD release of Eat Pray Love? Hating Gwyneth P's appearance on Glee. Hating the end of Hate for Hire? Sorry, too late for us....

Instead, a do-it-yourself kit to help you when we're gone, based on our own traditional method of dealing with irritating people, places and things. For years now, we've been spending part of each New Year's Eve writing down a list of hates and resentments. Often on individual slips of paper. Sometimes slipped into an air-mail envelope. Then, before midnight, into the fire with them all. The intention is that they will not enter the New Year with us. Well, that's the intention.

The Pope usually makes it into the fire. Moron bosses, past and present (one in particular.) Irritating behaviors of loved ones. You understand. Oddly enough, over the years the balance has tilted toward behaviors of our own that we'd like to shed or modify, things we can actually do something about. Imagine.

When a fire is unavailable, be imaginative. (On New Year's Eve, 2005, we ripped our list into tiny pieces and tossed them into the Seine.) Any of the four elements -- earth, air, fire, water -- in any number of combinations will help to enhance the ritual.

So, now that you know our DIY secret formula, you don't need us anymore. Burn it up, baby.


Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Hate for Hire...yours for the asking.

We're moving on to a new blog the first of the year, so H4H is available to the most enthusiastic bidder. We'll have one more posting next month, one that offers a do-it-yourself approach to make the most of hate and resentments. Then we're outta here.
So to help generate some enthusiasm for anyone interested in keeping this blog alive, a musical number.
Hit it, boys!

Hate for hire,
Appetizing young hate for hire.
Hate that's fresh and still unspoiled,
Hate that's only slightly soiled,
Hate for hire.
Who will buy?
Who would like to sample my supply?
Who's prepared to pay the price,
For a trip to paradise?
Hate for hire.

Let the poets pipe of hate
in their childish way,
I know every type of hate
Better far than they.
If you want the thrill of hate,
I've been through the mill of hate;
Old hate, new hate.
Every hate but true hate.

Hate for hire.
Appetizing young hate for hire.
If you want to buy my wares.
Follow me and climb the stairs.
Hate for hire.
Hate for hire.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Hating Lazy Bloggers

One month between posts?
Here, some visuals to convey our repentance.

Lazy bloggers.
Officially registered at Hate for Hire, October 21, 2010.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Back to School: Six quickies

Sharpen your pencils. Get your sweaters out of mothballs. Deal with long pants. And get ready to hate with the rest of the class. The first day of autumn finds us assembling a few quick hits from the mailbag.

“I hate when people begin their emails with ‘I hope this finds you well.’ No, they don’t. It sets a tone that’s so clearly dishonest, I don’t believe anything that follows.” Whoa. Take it easy. Yes, this reprehensible, cover-all, insincere phrase is fast gaining ground on “Have a nice day” as the most meaningless aside in the English language. But to discount everything that follows? Well, who are we to judge? Have a nice day.

“I hate when your credit-card carriers send you checks to use that are already printed with your name and address on them. You have to rip them up into pieces that are so small that no one could tape them together, Xerox them and use them.” Yes, we agree. And the accompanying letter is usually so noxious as to suggest that these are a way for you to consolidate your debt and come out ahead. When actually these deceptive things wind up carrying hefty service charges for each use and “consolidate” your debt into a pile that carries an APR somewhere in the vicinity of 20%.

“I hate when you go on vacation and you’ve arranged for the post office to hold your mail…and then on your first day away, some Yellow Pages book is thrown on your front porch to remain there for your entire trip, announcing to everyone who passes by that no one is home.” Yep, we agree. And, aside from activating watchful neighbors, there’s not much you can do about this.

“I hate when people have car alarms that beep three times each time the owner opens the car. And three times again when the owner leaves the car. Since when is this OK? It’s noisy and intrusive and it’s become commonplace.” Yes, we hate this, too. Noise like this has somehow become acceptable, even during the hours when people are trying to sleep. We also hate when people’s car alarms go off for long stretches of time and the owners are nowhere to be found to silence them. Another irritant that has somehow weasled its way into the realm of acceptability. Here are some inventive ways that people have started to fight back with glue, urine, dog feces and eggs.

“I hate when a woman is ahead of you in the line at the grocery store’s deli department and orders a quarter-pound of something. When she’s presented with it, she then orders a quarter-pound of something else. And on and on and on.” Yes, agreed. Though it’s not always a woman. But most of the time it is. We imagine a family of young small brats, each with his own finicky sandwich preferences that prevent the woman of the house from buying one lunch meat in bulk. And these eating disordered young-un's are humored in their defiance, making us even more fearful about the growing selfishness of the upcoming generation. You have been warned.

“I hate when dog owners don’t silence their pets’ at-home barking, especially when it goes on for more than 15 minutes.” We here at H4H are dog lovers. That said, yes, we agree and do blame the owners, not the dogs. We have a neighbor whose German Shepherd barked out an open window for two hours and 45 minutes one night. Another who lets her sheepdog out on her deck when she does errands and the dog barks the entire time she’s away. (See “car alarms” complaint, above. We're thinking that perhaps some strategically placed automobile feces might do the trick.)

Insincere well-wishing, pre-addressed unwanted checks,
yellow-pages clutter, car alarms, bad deli behavior,
insensate dog owners.
Officially registered at Hate for Hire, September 21, 2010.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Role model repents!

Faithful readers will recall Kingsley, the sassy teenager whose "Things I Hate" video catapulted him into the enviable position as the original role model honored here on H4H.

Sadly, we have had to update our initial April posting about him.

Here's a link to the update.

Friday, August 13, 2010

A moment of silence, please...

We mark with great sadness the passing today of a good friend. The least of her countless fine qualities was providing the inspiration for this site many years ago. Smile, Jane, there are pets in heaven.