Hate for Hire

New Blog. New Year. New Location.

2011-01-01T09:04:00.000-08:00

Please join us at: http://sandyleonardsnaps.blogspot.com

Into the fire...and farewell

2010-12-18T14:46:00.000-08:00

Oh, wouldn't you know it? The minute we announce the retirement of our Hate for Hire blog, floods of requests come in, begging us for some eleventh-hour resentment work. Hating Katy Perry? Hating the DVD release of Eat Pray Love? Hating Gwyneth P's appearance on Glee. Hating the end of Hate for Hire? Sorry, too late for us....

Instead, a do-it-yourself kit to help you when we're gone, based on our own traditional method of dealing with irritating people, places and things. For years now, we've been spending part of each New Year's Eve writing down a list of hates and resentments. Often on individual slips of paper. Sometimes slipped into an air-mail envelope. Then, before midnight, into the fire with them all. The intention is that they will not enter the New Year with us. Well, that's the intention.

The Pope usually makes it into the fire. Moron bosses, past and present (one in particular.) Irritating behaviors of loved ones. You understand. Oddly enough, over the years the balance has tilted toward behaviors of our own that we'd like to shed or modify, things we can actually do something about. Imagine.

When a fire is unavailable, be imaginative. (On New Year's Eve, 2005, we ripped our list into tiny pieces and tossed them into the Seine.) Any of the four elements -- earth, air, fire, water -- in any number of combinations will help to enhance the ritual.

So, now that you know our DIY secret formula, you don't need us anymore. Burn it up, baby.

Adiós.

Hate for Hire...yours for the asking.

2010-11-23T19:25:00.000-08:00

We're moving on to a new blog the first of the year, so H4H is available to the most enthusiastic bidder. We'll have one more posting next month, one that offers a do-it-yourself approach to make the most of hate and resentments. Then we're outta here.
So to help generate some enthusiasm for anyone interested in keeping this blog alive, a musical number.
Hit it, boys!

Hate for hire,
Appetizing young hate for hire.
Hate that's fresh and still unspoiled,
Hate that's only slightly soiled,
Hate for hire.
Who will buy?
Who would like to sample my supply?
Who's prepared to pay the price,
For a trip to paradise?
Hate for hire.

Let the poets pipe of hate
in their childish way,
I know every type of hate
Better far than they.
If you want the thrill of hate,
I've been through the mill of hate;
Old hate, new hate.
Every hate but true hate.

Hate for hire.
Appetizing young hate for hire.
If you want to buy my wares.
Follow me and climb the stairs.
Hate for hire.
Hate for hire.

Hating Lazy Bloggers

2010-10-21T14:34:00.000-07:00

One month between posts?
Here, some visuals to convey our repentance.

Lazy bloggers.
Officially registered at Hate for Hire, October 21, 2010.

Back to School: Six quickies

2010-09-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

Sharpen your pencils. Get your sweaters out of mothballs. Deal with long pants. And get ready to hate with the rest of the class. The first day of autumn finds us assembling a few quick hits from the mailbag.

“I hate when people begin their emails with ‘I hope this finds you well.’ No, they don’t. It sets a tone that’s so clearly dishonest, I don’t believe anything that follows.” Whoa. Take it easy. Yes, this reprehensible, cover-all, insincere phrase is fast gaining ground on “Have a nice day” as the most meaningless aside in the English language. But to discount everything that follows? Well, who are we to judge? Have a nice day.

“I hate when your credit-card carriers send you checks to use that are already printed with your name and address on them. You have to rip them up into pieces that are so small that no one could tape them together, Xerox them and use them.” Yes, we agree. And the accompanying letter is usually so noxious as to suggest that these are a way for you to consolidate your debt and come out ahead. When actually these deceptive things wind up carrying hefty service charges for each use and “consolidate” your debt into a pile that carries an APR somewhere in the vicinity of 20%.

“I hate when you go on vacation and you’ve arranged for the post office to hold your mail…and then on your first day away, some Yellow Pages book is thrown on your front porch to remain there for your entire trip, announcing to everyone who passes by that no one is home.” Yep, we agree. And, aside from activating watchful neighbors, there’s not much you can do about this.

“I hate when people have car alarms that beep three times each time the owner opens the car. And three times again when the owner leaves the car. Since when is this OK? It’s noisy and intrusive and it’s become commonplace.” Yes, we hate this, too. Noise like this has somehow become acceptable, even during the hours when people are trying to sleep. We also hate when people’s car alarms go off for long stretches of time and the owners are nowhere to be found to silence them. Another irritant that has somehow weasled its way into the realm of acceptability. Here are some inventive ways that people have started to fight back with glue, urine, dog feces and eggs.

“I hate when a woman is ahead of you in the line at the grocery store’s deli department and orders a quarter-pound of something. When she’s presented with it, she then orders a quarter-pound of something else. And on and on and on.” Yes, agreed. Though it’s not always a woman. But most of the time it is. We imagine a family of young small brats, each with his own finicky sandwich preferences that prevent the woman of the house from buying one lunch meat in bulk. And these eating disordered young-un's are humored in their defiance, making us even more fearful about the growing selfishness of the upcoming generation. You have been warned.

“I hate when dog owners don’t silence their pets’ at-home barking, especially when it goes on for more than 15 minutes.” We here at H4H are dog lovers. That said, yes, we agree and do blame the owners, not the dogs. We have a neighbor whose German Shepherd barked out an open window for two hours and 45 minutes one night. Another who lets her sheepdog out on her deck when she does errands and the dog barks the entire time she’s away. (See “car alarms” complaint, above. We're thinking that perhaps some strategically placed automobile feces might do the trick.)

Insincere well-wishing, pre-addressed unwanted checks,
yellow-pages clutter, car alarms, bad deli behavior,
insensate dog owners.
Officially registered at Hate for Hire, September 21, 2010.

Role model repents!

2010-08-26T16:19:00.000-07:00

Faithful readers will recall Kingsley, the sassy teenager whose "Things I Hate" video catapulted him into the enviable position as the original role model honored here on H4H.

Sadly, we have had to update our initial April posting about him.

Here's a link to the update.

A moment of silence, please...

2010-08-13T16:39:00.001-07:00

We mark with great sadness the passing today of a good friend. The least of her countless fine qualities was providing the inspiration for this site many years ago. Smile, Jane, there are pets in heaven.

Role model 3 (on the right)

2010-08-05T08:16:00.001-07:00

This delightful misguided-hate image was sent to us from a frequent visitor to the H4H site.
Thanks.

Hating Self-Righteous Signage

2010-07-24T15:15:00.000-07:00

It's a bumper sticker. No, it's a T-shirt. No, it's a way of life. Well, maybe the first two, but rarely the third. How easy and how lazy it is to plaster a slogan on your bumper or your chest. So easy in fact that those who do so can then comfortably take the moral low road and stop right there. Why bother to embody the philosophy as long as your car or your made-in-Sri Lanka cotton tee does?

Our petitioner this time: "Know what I hate? Those stupid bumper stickers with all the religious iconography that some moron thinks is so clever." Oh, but let's not stop there. How about "Celebrate Diversity," the bumper sticker that means absolutely nothing beyond "I'm a better person than you are, so there"?

Above, a gallery of easy-way-out slogans for the publicly moral. Below, a more honest if less appealing spokesperson.

Self-Righteous Signage.
Officially registered at Hate for Hire, July 24, 2010

Hating Julia Roberts

2010-06-27T12:30:00.000-07:00

At long last, the much-anticipated and richly deserved H4H nod to the talent-free Julia Roberts. She’s been on our back burner for some time now, but the upcoming summer release of the film version of Eat Pray Love has kicked her candidacy into high gear.

For those two of you unfamiliar with EPL (aka “Trust-funder whines her way around the world”), it’s a “woman’s book” with high annoyance potential for readers of both sexes. Spooning out pre-digested philosophical “insights,” it has, needless to say, become something of a sensation among a certain needy, self-help-hungry demographic. And though our hearts sank when we heard that Roberts would star in the movie, we weren’t surprised.

Our patient petitioner notes: “Who likes this jerk anyway? She overacts in every movie she’s ever been in. And she always seems quite pleased with herself.”

May we add that she’s a potty-mouth egomaniac, as well? (We began to suspect this when she tried to shush the Oscars’ orchestra as they appropriately tried to stifle her lengthy acceptance speech for Erin Brockovich with, “Hey, this is MY moment.”) One listen to the first 45 seconds of Roberts’ foul “tribute” to Tom Hanks (he’s another one) should pretty much let you in on both the level of her vocabulary and her ability to put together sentences when no script is provided.

Not that a script is much help for this one. In our exhaustive research, we submitted ourselves to watching the venal Eat Pray Love trailer. And people, all we can say is that her “I want to go someplace where I can...marvel at something” (:41) is already the leading contender for all-time vapid delivery of a film line, edging out Tom Cruise’s “You complete me,” the unchallenged title holder up until now.

We’re not big fans of organized religion here at H4H, but even we were irritated when we heard that Roberts’ filming her Eat Pray Love “spiritual enlightenment” segment in India blocked a congregation of Hindus from entering their temple during religious holidays. Didn’t they get the memo that they’d be interfering with HER “moment”?

Julia Roberts, we hate you.

Julia Roberts
Officially registered at Hate for Hire, June 27, 2010.

Hating obnoxious morons: three examples of rude behavior

2010-06-20T17:38:00.000-07:00

Just who do you think you are anyway? That’s what our petitioners would like to ask the selfish, obnoxious blockheads who’ve prompted our entry this time. All three examples are symptomatic of the evaporation of good manners in an ever-increasing “me first” world that’s only getting worse.

Cell phone yakkers.
Are people getting stupider? Or is it that nowadays we can actually hear what they’re thinking (whether we like it or not) as they yammer on and on, on public buses, in supermarkets, even just walking through an otherwise quiet park? “And then I go…and then he goes…” Shut UP, will you?

Our petitioner moans, “I once had to listen to a girl tell her friend all about her sex-filled weekend, how drunk she got, and how happy her bf was that she wasn’t pregnant.” Just one example of many. We hate these rude people.

Mercifully, as cell phone rudeness continues on the upswing, there are equally increasing examples of cell phone rage. One report: Two men in a cafe were beaten and their phones destroyed by two others after the pair ignored repeated requests to curb their loud and continuous yakking on their phones. Yesssssss!

Yogurt-container scrapers.

Noise bothers us, too. And each of us has his or her own peeves. Music in the workplace? No, gracias. Windchimes when we’re trying to sleep? See our March 28 posting. Here’s a complaint with a decidedly “niche” slant.

Our petitioner writes: “You know what I hate? The sound of people scraping yogurt containers with a spoon.” OK, we’re on it, mister. Now we hate it, too.

Obsessive photo-maniacs.
A petitioner from overseas writes: “I hate camera-toting people who insist on shooting everything in sight in a museum or at a popular sightseeing venue. It's one thing to take a snapshot of yourself or friends in front of the Louvre. That's perfectly valid, even desirable. But hordes of museum-goers cannot resist the temptation to shoot anything and everything on exhibit -- instead of looking at the objects through their own eyes.

“I mean, who needs to take a photo of the Mona Lisa? What is going through these people's minds as they race through galleries snapping hundreds of pictures of EVERYTHING -- yet failing to pause and appreciate ANYTHING?” What, indeed? We hate them!

Obnoxious morons:
three examples of rude behavior
Officially registered at Hate for Hire, June 20, 2010.

Hating Via Matta

2010-06-13T18:14:00.000-07:00

One of the unfortunate side effects of the recent deification of “celebrity chefs” is the unfortunate degree of snobby rudeness that some restauranteurs have developed. Where do they get off being so deliberately nasty to their customers? And since when are we supposed to just take this behavior without retaliation. Our petitioner this time is fighting back.

“When two friends and I visited Boston's Via Matta, we ordered ‘Seasonal Roast Vegetables’ ($10) with our entrees. The main courses arrived along with one sliced tomato, one sliced cucumber, which we assumed was a salad. We inquired about our roast vegetables and the waiter indicated the tomato and cucumber. This was in September at the peak of harvest season, so vegetables were not in short supply. The waiter disappeared.” Wait, it gets worse.

“When the waiter returned, he said the chef had a message for us, ‘Tell them if they want a carrot, I’ll try to find one.’” Excuse me? What warranted this abrasive, unprofessional reply from someone in the hospitality business? The menus are printed daily; if an item doesn’t exist, then don’t list it…and be civil to your high-paying guests. (Entrees alone at Via Matta average $26-39.)

We hate Via Matta and will never return there…or to any of the other “chic” restaurants that Via Matta chef Mike Pagliarini (above) and then-owner/partners Michael Schlow (left) and Chris Myers (below) have a hand in. (We’re giving former general manager Esti Benson Parsons the benefit of the doubt.) The list includes greater Boston's Radius, Alta Strada, 606 Congress, Great Bay and Myers & Chang. We encourage you to boycott them, too.

Let these abusive morons know that this type of reprehensible behavior is just not acceptable. There are plenty of kinder places to eat. With better food. And, from time to time, seasonal roast vegetables.

Via Matta:
Officially registered at Hate for Hire,
June 13, 2010.

Hating HR morons (one in particular)

2010-06-03T11:15:00.000-07:00

Have you noticed how the most inappropriate people tend to gravitate toward certain professions? For example, how many unbalanced people do you know who have become therapists? And we need both hands to count the active alcoholics we know who are (or were for years) substance-abuse counselors. That kind of thing.

Perhaps the most heinously ironic match, however, is that of the Human Resources “professional” who is completely lacking in any modicum of people skills. (Anyone who works in a business should be nodding in agreement right about now.) In many of the jobs we’ve held through the years, we learned early on that in order to get something done efficiently or to get accurate and necessary information, avoid HR at all costs. (We think they got on their high-horse just about the time of their unfortunate name change from Personnel. There are exceptions, of course, but damn few. Damn few.)

Our petitioner this time, an experienced web/print writer and published author, sends along a brief note from one particular HR moron, a tossed-off email reply to an inquiry about the status of a job application (and follow-up requested writing sample) that had been submitted weeks before. The email reads: “We’re interviewing 3 people this week. If they are not suitable, we may be back in touch with you.”

Excuse me? How rude! Is this someone whose job should be dealing with people? It gets worse. Following the above text, she adds “Thanks for reaching out.” Period. No signature. Gag.

As it happens, an additional H4H petition about this same HR “broad” was submitted independently by a third party: “To be Officially Registered at Hate 4 Hire, WITH A BULLET… May they rot in Hell.” Man, this dame is on somebody’s shit list big time. And now, happily, she’s on ours, too.

No one needs to be told that times are hard. Many talented people are looking for work. They should not have to endure the insulting shenanigans of an insolent RueLaLa malcontent such as this. We hate her.

HR morons (one in particular):
Officially registered at Hate for Hire, June 3, 2010.

Hating Katie Lee

2010-05-13T14:20:00.000-07:00

Oh, Jesus! Must everything be dumbed down? And down and down? It’s bad enough when Hollywood changes its Demi Moore screen version of The Scarlet Letter to have a happy ending. (Moore claimed, “It’s OK. Not that many people have read the book.” So noted.) But when food gets messed with, specifically by “celebrity chefs,” it’s time to man (or “to person”) the battle stations.

Our petitioner this time around singles out one Katie Lee, though any number of eligible candidates leap to mind. Ms. Lee, the former child bride of singer Billy Joel, has parlayed her photogenic face, figure and Greenwich Village townhouse into instant entrée to the ever-increasing ranks of food wannabes. Rachael Ray, Paula Deen, Katie Lee, the list goes on. Who are these people? Where did they suddenly come from? And how can we send them back pronto? Enough!

Lee’s claim to fame, it seems, aside from her five-minute marriage and her former hosting duties on Top Chef, is a deft hand at making cheeseburgers, an award-winning skill she proudly displays online, on TV and at celebrity events. (A recent New York Times profile with accompanying online video had its tongue planted comfortably in its cheek as it ooohed and ahhhed over Lee and her oeuvre.) Sounds like something we should be laughing at on community access TV, not reading about in the newspaper of record.

Julia Child and James Beard were the first to bring the art of preparing fine cuisine to the masses via television, and through it all they remained dignified, respectable, entertaining and true to the art they espoused. This new crew of backwoods experts seems happy as all get-out just to be on TV…and so what if they use canned frosting, garlic powder and processed cheese-food? (Though not all in the same recipe. Not yet anyway.)

Kiss of Death: Katie the L (along with her ex, “William”) is extolled in the pages of Gwyneth the P’s unctuous newsletter, Goop.

Ms. Lee, you seem like a sweet young lady with a lovely family, you really do. Why not just shut up and go home? Thanks.

Katie Lee:
Officially registered at Hate for Hire, May 13, 2010.

Amusing if amateur

2010-05-10T13:50:00.000-07:00

Doesn’t anyone listen? We’ve already gone over the fine points that distinguish real hate from plain ol’ whining.

Landing squarely within the second category, the insipid caviling found on this upstart website. Claiming to be the latest in a long and respected line of public shaming vehicles (from Puritan pillories to Hollywood studio PR execs), the Thriillist.com Violation Report brings “disgrace mongering to the everyman,” urging users to submit phone photos of routine offenders whose individual behaviors might be considered rude. Whatever.

We’ll assume their hearts are in the right place…and move on.

Role model 2

2010-05-09T17:15:00.000-07:00

We just couldn't resist posting this photo of an ardent H4H fan, so totally does he embody the high moral standards that we hold dear. And while we're a bit more focused in how we direct our hate, this guy takes an admirable, broader view that could accurately be described as "world class." Onward.

Hating the Nike Tiger ad

2010-04-18T16:09:00.000-07:00

Swoosh!

OK, everybody, had enough time to let "last week's" TV spot simmer for awhile?

Embodying the high moral standards that American advertising has come to represent (“Sincerity and honesty, back seat please”), this tumor recently appeared on-air and fired-up several petitioners enough to make almost-instant submissions to H4H. (At least two of them, alas, have labored long in the service of marketing communications, so they well know whereof they speak.)

To wit: “That Nike commercial was so ridiculous. It's a piece o' shit as an ad and it's also laughable: Like his horndog father is his moral compass? The old man was a notorious womanizer and now he's Yoda?

“It's just more of the same ('I can screw everybody…without penalty') from the whole entitled crew: political, corporate, Wall Street, banking, sports, celebs, clergy, not to mention the media machine that keeps enabling this behavior while piously decrying it. Worst of all, it forces me, once again, to face my shaudenfreude habit. I HATE that!”

Another ad veteran laments: “I wasn't sure it was possible to dislike Nike anymore than I did, but the Tiger commercial might be the creepiest thing I've ever seen.

“As if it weren't bad enough that Nike pays some kid who can play great basketball $90 million to be its public face while it pays the kids who stitch together the shoes 90 cents a day, now they've really outdone themselves with the newest commercial starring a dead guy and his philandering son.”

Wait, folks. She’s just warming up. “Everyone should stop pretending he's coming back from battle, or that he's overcome some life-threatening illness. He's been caught up in a completely self-inflicted nightmare brought on by his own selfishness…made even creepier by bringing back his dead father to lecture him -- and pretending it's some touching father-son moment. It's gross!”

The wrap-up: “Tiger, if you wanted to impress people on the father-son front, you should have kept it in your pants and stayed home with your actual son once in awhile.”

Sing it, sister! (And this bride-to-be is from Maine, well-versed in “the way life should be.”)

On top of it all (shudder!), we don’t even think the spot is “world class.” So, if the many spoofs of the Nike ad don't do it for you, we offer for your palate-cleansing refreshment this agenda-free classic from the H4H archives. Forty years old and still as fresh as ever. With none of that icky moral aftertaste.

Nike Tiger ad:
Officially registered at Hate for Hire, April 18, 2010.

Role model

2010-04-11T07:33:00.000-07:00

This inspiring young individual was recently brought to our attention, probably because his sensibilities align so nicely with ours.

On his YouTube profile page, ItsKingsleyBitch (alternately known as You Can Sit The Hell Down), he entreats us to think of him as Beyoncé...except when he posts a video, on which occasions we are to think of him as Sasha Fierce. Whatever.

All we know is that he is an inspiration to us here at H4H, so straightforward and unfettered is his ability to articulate his "pet peeves."

Unfortunate 8.26.10 update:
Kingsley has decided to become more "positive" and has removed his now-classic video. Instead, he gives us this:

Yawn.

He'll be back.

So while we're waiting, two related items to amuse you. It seems that Kingsley has become something of a small-time cult figure, so much so that remixes of his "Things I Hate" video have popped up all over you-know-where. We'll add one below...followed by a fan's re-posting of the Ur-video that originally enshrined Kingsley here on H4H, albeit with a new title.

Hating eBooks

2010-04-05T12:06:00.000-07:00

Ain’t nobody better call us a fuddy-duddy. But we can’t quite cotton to the idea of eBooks, even the name seems self-contradictory. So we were not surprised when two (count ‘em!) petitioners contacted us here in our New England offices to request that the newfangled gizmos be added to our growing roster. No problem. (Especially no problem as each of the petitioners is an international author, he from Hamburg, she from Milan. Were we impressed! Hate knows no boundaries, it seems, something that came as no surprise to us.)

From Hamburg: “I love books. And part of that love is physical. I love the feel of a book in my hands.” And reading about the “inevitable” invasion of eBooks around the globe? “I already miss the tactile qualities of books,” he tells us. “The weight in the hand, the cover design, the scent of glue and paper. We are losing a tactile experience.

“I feel like an ancient scribe, many centuries ago, who has only ever known parchment scrolls and who is being shown one of these newfangled 'book' things for the first time. He sits there with this block of bound paper in front of him, not knowing even how to open it.

"A novice priest impatiently shows how one proceeds, page-by-page, without the tedious rewinding involved with scrolls. And the older priest, knowing he is defeated, fondles a scroll and says, 'But it's just not the same, is it?' "

From Milan, our second petitioner notes, “The book in itself, as object, cannot be substituted in my mind by an e-version, albeit a portable one. I still like pages, fonts, colophons, covers, blurbs, forewords and post scripta, lists of characters and glossaries -- even maps and illustrations where needed. The tactile quality of paper has nothing to do with virtuality, and everything to do with virtù (‘good quality’ in Italian).”

Stone tablets to papyrus, parchment to paper, now this. Our Milanese scribe continues, “We were already asked in our lifetime to go from fountain pen to ballpoint to felt-tip to keyboards of all kinds, and without taking anything away from the wonders of the Web, which include so many scholarly and cultivated sites in addition to online banality and trash, I'll go as far as saying that I even like old-fashioned encyclopaedias, dictionaries and thesauruses. Call me a fuddy-duddy, I can take it.”

The demise of small bookshops. The fact that Kindles hate sand and water, not to mention magnets, hot coffee, iced tea and a whole lot of other things. And can you really in good conscience read an eBook on Shabbat? The list of infractions goes on and on. Here’s one of our favorites:

Have you ever seen a book someone was reading on the subway…and then made a satisfyingly self-righteous snap judgment about that person? With a growing number of people turning to Kindles, iPads and other electronic readers, it’s not always possible to see what others are reading. (As recently reported in the New York Times, “Some digital publishers suspect that one of the reasons romance and erotica titles are so popular in electronic editions is because e-readers are discreet.”) Instead, we form our opinion based on the very fact that the person has chosen the eBook format. So there.

After all, you can’t tell a book by its cover if it doesn’t have one.

eBooks:
Officially registered at Hate for Hire, April 5, 2010.

Hating Windchimes

2010-03-28T16:21:00.000-07:00

“A dangling instrument of sonic miasma”? “Dreaded and offensive melodic doodling”? “Evil noise polluters”?

Just some of many complaints on the web about the invasive and spreading menace known as windchimes. Available in all shapes and sizes, these New Age versions of the BoomBox are no less pernicious or obnoxious than their electronic, amplified forebears. (Or than Tony Soprano’s blasting the Rat Pack from massive speakers on his boat -- the beloved Stugots II -- into the beachfront home of an uncooperative neighbor.)

From the cheap, tinny, lamentably mass-produced metal variety to the more quiet bamboo to the almost-silent (but visually loathsome) compact-disc danglers, they seem to be popping up just about everywhere. A quick Google scan reveals that men tend to hate them, women less so. Our petitioner this time is decidedly a man.

He writes: “I hate these f*cking things. They keep me awake. They pollute the area with noise. Who gives anyone the right to decide what others should hear, day and night? Who thinks they sound good anyway? My neighbors across the street just put up some and they are irritating and they are constant. Their sound penetrates my home even when my windows are closed. I HATE them!!!!”

Sing it!

We here at Hate for Hire completely agree with you. They drive us nuts and persist as a grating symbol of utter selfishness. Live in an isolated area where no one else can hear them? Fine, hang ‘em high. But if you live in a neighborhood (like ours) where homes are within earshot of one another, hang those miserable and miserable-making things indoors so you can enjoy them and others (we) won’t have to.

A member of the H4H core team routinely passes a home in his neighborhood whose front porch sports SIX sets of these raucous noisemakers. Wirecutters at the ready some night soon, we don’t care about “the natural flow of chi”…those mothers are coming down!

Windchimes:
Officially registered at Hate for Hire, March 28, 2010.

Hating Facebook

2010-03-21T14:38:00.000-07:00

My goodness, the venom this “social networking” site has generated. Even from people who actively participate in the “hey, look at me!” phenomenon that has, like it or not, become an inescapable part of the global fabric.

This “self-inflicted privacy eradicator,” as one UK detractor labels it, lets people “poke” you, generates invitations to become fans of topics than can only be described (generously) as “niche,” offers “suggestions” for new friends by showing dozens of people you’re certain you’ve never met, and on and on and on.

A “cyberland of rampant narcissism and wasted time”? A “sinister, turbo-charged online menace”? There’s no shortage of anti-Facebook blather out there as a quick Google search instantly reveals. But one thing seems clear worldwide: You love it or you hate it…which sounds like our cue to step happily into the fray.

Our petitioner writes: “I hate Facebook because it's really an ANTIsocial network, however it might advertise itself. It gives people a false sense that they're ‘in contact’ with all their friends, but which kind of contact is that?? The kind of contact that leads to nothing -- it's largely not 'customized': all good friends, close friends, acquaintances, and so on are all lumped into the same category, so inevitably it's descending into empty superficiality. I'd call it ‘close encounters of the -1 kind’.” Whoa!

Take a deep breath, there’s more: “It promotes total laziness in human relationships. And don't even get me started on those who send emails to everyone about their virtual farms and how many pigs they fed.” Amen, brother!

In the interest of full disclosure, we have to admit that Hate for Hire has its own Facebook page. (But then again, we’d also like to point out that Facebook itself features upwards of 150 different “I Hate Facebook” groups, started by global participants from Oslo to Australia, Toledo to Turkey.) Hey, at least we don’t tweet!

Facebook:
Officially registered at Hate for Hire, March 21, 2010.

Hating Katie Holmes's line of kids' fashions

2010-03-14T15:32:00.000-07:00

OK, so her daughter is her inspiration for this line of children’s clothing. Would that be the same daughter whose annual clothing expenditures are reportedly a whopping $3.2 million? The same three-year-old seen acting out in Boston recently in order to get her little mitts on some pricey gelato? Actually climbing over the counter into the goods, much to the horror of all in attendance? Better watch out, Suri, that you don’t spill any on that $1,200 “dove dress” you’re wearing. (Note to readers: How many preschoolers do you know have $850 Salvatore Ferragamo purses? Much less $5,000 ruby pendants?)

Rumors began last year that the actress (alleged) and more female half of TomKat Cruise was linking up to “create” a clothing line, Katie Holmes for Armani. Whoops! Press agents were quickly dispatched to squelch that item. Now, it seems, the third Mrs. Cruise has launched Holmes & Yang (designed, we suspect, largely by “stylist” Jeanne Yang), which debuted in Los Angeles in the fall and is virally making its way into markets in Mexico and the USA. Determined to go beyond kids' T-shirts and leggings, Yang succinctly explained a key design element: "It has to twirl." So noted.

Our petitioner writes: “As if she doesn't have enough. Now she goes on to create a line of baby clothes that are completely unattainable for 99.9999% of the world - outfits costing $350+...this money for outfits that children will grow out of in weeks.

“First she married a complete dud and the whole thing is a little creepy. I won't even go into the Scientology bit. But you have to wonder, does she remember when she was just a regular person in this world? How about creating a line of adorable kids’ clothes that people struggling in this country can actually afford? I would love to know how much work she actually does designing these duds.

“Katie, get over yourself and meet us back in reality sometime.”

You tell ‘em, sister! And you CAN go into the Scientology bit if you want; we’re all ears. Besides, why is a nice Catholic girl like Katie getting mixed up in a Sci-Fi religion (in Amazing 3-D) like that anyway? Wake up, lady! It’s Lent, godammit!

Katie Holmes’s line of kids’ fashions:
Officially registered at Hate for Hire, March 14, 2010.

Sexual Selection

2010-03-11T11:59:00.000-08:00

Why, we wonder, do we receive mucho más submissions asking us to hate women than we do to hate men? Is it because we hold women to a higher standard, and so when one falls short of our elevated expectations, we become irritated? Or are men generally considered to be more hate-worthy from the get-go, and so we tend to cut them a bit more slack? Beats us.

“Alls we know” is that for every one Dennis Franz submitted, we get four or five Gwyneth Paltrows. It seems that the only thing that our male and female petitioners can agree on is that they both seem to hate more women than they do men. What’s that all about? In our zeal to play fair, we sometimes find ourselves treading water, blog-wise, until enough males crowd our inbox for us to keep a moderately even balance. Fortunately, equilibrium has recently been reached. Watch this space.

And speaking of Dennis Franz…faithful readers will know that an earlier posting sent the hair-challenged actor directly to the inbox of the Junior Varsity H4H team. “Foul!” cried the anti-Franz lobby, claiming their man deserved the full-court Varsity press, pressuring us first with reason, then with bribes, then with threats. (We are happy to report that unlike the tactics employed by certain DC-based lobbyists, no callgirls or congressional interns were sent our way. Phew!)

So, upon further consideration, the H4H standards committee has decided to upgrade Mr. Franz to full Varsity status based solely on the facts (though we thank you very much for that Chia Pet.) In the interest of full disclosure, the relevant arguments are spelled out in the “comments” section of our February 22, 2010 posting.

Just asking

2010-03-01T20:16:00.000-08:00

Hate: A Philosophical Approach....Four Quickies

2010-02-22T13:29:00.000-08:00

Can you hate someone on sight? And is that really hate? And where do you draw the fine line between hate and irritation? These are some of the dizzying questions raised by recent submissions here at Hate for Hire. And, golly, for once we don’t have all the answers. So, we look to the experts.

Aristotle viewed hate as a desire for the annihilation of an object that is incurable by time. Descartes thought it was an awareness that something is bad combined with an urge to withdraw from it. Freud's take is a little too complex and guilt-riddled for our site here. But the Penguin Dictionary of Psychology defines hate as a "deep, enduring, intense emotion expressing animosity, anger, and hostility towards a person, group, or object." We'll buy that. And because hatred is believed to be long-lasting, many psychologists consider it to be more of an attitude or disposition than a temporary emotional state. Got that? OK, now keep it all in mind as you read today's entries below.

“For the moment, I can only suggest Dennis Franz because of his rather distinctively unappealing hairdo.” (A later email from the same camp specifies Franz’s “detto baldish pudding bowl” look. Yes, and thanks for the foto, seen here.) We understand and sympathize. And we’ll gladly take him on. But wouldn’t you agree (as you reference “random gripes and semi-hate situations”) that this hair-based objection lacks the proper degree of seething that true hate inspires? Come on, man, what do you think Descartes would have to say to this! However, as you'll see, you are not alone on the hair/hate front; please read on.

“I hate Olympic snowboarder Shaun White’s hair,” another petitioner complains. Mere annoyance? Or true hate in the Aristotelian sense? Again, we’ll put him (actually it) on our list. But we’re hankering for some real honest-to-goodness loathing. The kind that lends itself to rent garments and blood-lust slayings. Something slightly more Homeric in scope, s’il vous plaît.

More than one early enthusiast demurred from fingering anyone by name, queasy about “the whole karma thing.” (cf. Freud, supra.) Um, that’s our sole purpose here at Hate for Hire. We take it on so you don’t have to.

Anyone? Anyone?

“I guess I could suggest the Kardashians.” OK, this is something the philosophy department here at H4H would classify as “decaf hate.” Yes, the self-publicized celebutantes and reality (alleged) TV personalities sure are annoying.

The eponymous perfume ad campaign for “Kim Kardashian...the voluptuous new fragrance” speaks for itself. And the obligatory sex-home-video “leak” was even more laughable. (We predict her talent and skills--both of them--could buy her a one-way ticket to a minor role in some James Bond film.) But, again, we don’t sense any elevated pulse or burst blood vessels around this submistion. We want smoke coming out of your ears, preferably accompanied by a spinning bow-tie. Still, we’re charged with taking on your burdens, light or voluptuous as they may be.

Lady Gaga. “Enough already.”

Period.

All four of these submissions have been turned over to the JV team here at Hate for Hire. Look for results soon. And meanwhile, let’s hear some real robusta, high-octane, sponge-worthy catcalls, people. (As two of our favorite professional malcontents have recently joined the wireless generation and can check our site now from their mobiles, our hopes are high.)

Dennis Franz (Upgraded to Varsity; see comments below)
Shaun White's hair
Kim Kardashian and family
Lady Gaga:
Officially registered at Hate for Hire (JV), February 22, 2010.

Hating CorporateSpeak

2010-02-11T16:54:00.000-08:00

Action item Assign ownership At the end of the day Bandwidth Brain dump Brand agnostic Breadcrumbing Bring to the table Buy-in Chin-wagging Circle-slash Core competency Drink the Kool-Aid Elevator pitch Empower Hard stop Leverage Low-hanging fruit Metric Out of the loop Outside the box Outsourcing Paradigm shift Pre-meeting Silo approach Take it offline....

Remember when all we had to hate was “mission statement”? Then “value-added” snuck in somehow. (Sadly, Hate for Hire was not around to neutralize that one in the bud.) And now look what’s happened. In an imagined move toward becoming “world class,” many corporations are caught in an endless loop of “reaching out” and “circling back,” pursuing some illusory and vainglorious goal of “instilling best practices.” The result? An explosion of corporate mimics who echo an oddly convoluted patois that we should be laughing at rather than emulating. Thank you for the submission; we at Hate for Hire are happy to take this on.

A recent fear-based colleague, a complete fraud, used little else but Corporate- Speak, probably because it generally allowed him to say a lot without meaning a thing. “I’m charged with elevating the work,” he announced. When we asked “What does that mean?” he became quite flummoxed and couldn’t answer. When he finally did, it was more (and more and more) of the same gibberish, a “scenic route” smokescreen approach toward an incomprehensible non-answer. Moron!

Even people we might otherwise respect can slide into these reprehensible bad-language habits. One co-worker, a generally nice guy and thorough professional, once asked us to “dialogue” with him about something. Excuse me? “Can’t we just talk about it?” we asked. He seemed confused.

Why do so many corporations and, by extension, their employees talk like this? Stop it! Don’t you know people are laughing at you?

For your amusement, we direct you toward two related websites:
Business Buzzword Bingo! has kept us awake through many a tortured blowhard meeting.
And the handy Web Economy Bullshit Generator (thank you, Monica) usually has us snickering in sympathy by the fourth hit (maximum).

We encourage you to list your own CorporateSpeak annoyances in the “Comments” section below (you may have to hit "post comment" a second time if the system tells you to "try again later.") And to show solidarity by hating this widespread aberration along with us.

CorporateSpeak:
Officially registered at Hate for Hire, February 11, 2010.

Hating Gwyneth Paltrow

2010-02-06T07:52:00.000-08:00

OK, Smuggy McSmug, get over yourself!

If you only knew how many people have contacted us, petitioning to please add your name to our rich roster…why you might even break down and eat an In-N-Out burger.

Leave it to those cultured and sophisticated French to come up with the juste way to describe people like Gwyneth: “Elle pète plus haut que son cul.” Which translates roughly, if you’ll pardon our French, as “She farts higher than her asshole.”

Insiders at the Hate for Hire West Coast offices tell us that the scuttlebutt around Hollywood (OK, West Hollywood) is that Gwyneth came by her Oscar-grabbing role in ‘Shakespeare in Love’ by not-so-honorable means. Seems she was picking up former BFF Winona Ryder for an afternoon out and, while Ryder was showering, GP saw the ‘Shakespeare’ script on her desk, started reading it, and almost broke a finger speed-dialing her agent, demanding, “Get this for ME!” Fast forward to Oscar Night 1999 and a weepy acceptance speech that, we’re told, left a big wet spot on the stage floor.
Enough said.

Yes, yes, coals to Newcastle. We don’t really need to take her on, you’re saying, because so many people hate her already (as a quick google will confirm). But we’re charged with assuming the responsibility so that millions of you can exhale and just let it go. We’ll gladly do that and offer it up. (Who does like her anyway?)

Did we mention that Gwyneth shares a most irritating habit with her current BFF and play-date mom Madonna? How is it that each of them affects a phony British accent that seems to be activated simply by their changing planes at Heathrow? Stop it!

Personal message to Michael C: If you’re still on the fence about this one, please refer to her oddly named website (www.goop.com) wherein she dispenses mucho unsolicited advice on personal fashion (see photo above), nutrition, relationships, finance and whatever else might “nourish the inner aspect.” Don’t get us started!

Oh, we wish things were otherwise. We really do. And we long for the day when this young lady wakes up, sees what a fool she’s made of herself and snaps out of it. But until then, we’re siding with those French. Just take a gander at this photo of GP with her mother, the radiant Blythe Danner. It doesn’t take more than a quick glance to see why Mother Blythe will always have a special place in our hearts, while Daughter Gwyneth, well, won’t.

Gwyneth Paltrow:
Officially registered at Hate for Hire, February 6, 2010.

From the Mailbag

2010-02-02T18:11:00.000-08:00

The new year has brought a gratifying bounty of heady correspondence from loyal and enthusiastic readers. Here’s a sampling.

Q. What’s the best way to submit hate objects for your consideration?

A. We check our hateforhire@gmail.com mailbox regularly; that’s the best way to reach us with requests.

Q. Do I have to actually name the person I'd like you to hate for me? I don't really want my boss’s name emblazoned across your website.

A. “Emblazoned”? A pretty feisty word for someone who recoils from naming names. Relax. No need to mention anyone by name. A description of the person, perhaps an imaginative alias, and your reasons…that’s enough to get us started.

Q. Does the person have to be a celebrity like Chevy Chase?

A. A face-making crybaby has-been does not qualify as a celebrity. Check Wikipedia if you don’t believe us. That said, we welcome everyone to our rich and growing roster here at Hate for Hire. Someone deserve your enmity? We’re there.

Q. Would you hate a thing for me rather than a person?

A. We think the answer is “Of course.” But in this business, specificity is key. So, “organized religion”: Poor. “Catholicism”: OK. “Roman Catholicism”: Better. “The Pope”: Bingo!

Similarly, one petitioner asked us to hate “carbohydrates.” Our evidence (admittedly anecdotal) indicates that most people who hate carbs one day are hot-footin’ it to the snackies aisle the very next. With all due respect, may we direct your request to the Love/Hate for Hire team down the hall?

Q. We hate business-speak and similar phony language used by corporate moron parrots. Would you please hate this for us?

A. You bet. Any favorites to get the team cookin’?

Q. How come you took two whole months between blog entries?

A. Be nice. It’s been very cold here in our New England offices, making typing a bit more difficult than usual. We resolve to be much more timely in postings for 2010.

To show our good faith, here’s a preview: Gwyneth Paltrow better watch her step if she knows what’s good for her.

Haters, on your mark!

How we began

2009-12-03T12:09:00.000-08:00

Years ago, when I was living alone in Rome, I was always happy to see another American on the street. Most of the time I would say hello. And most of the time I would get a nice hello in return, a bit of conversation, a pleasant exchange. But not always.

In 1984, after several months in the Eternal Città, I was strolling near the Spanish Steps and was excited to see another American whom I vaguely recognized. I extended a hearty greeting. I got nothing in return. Worse than nothing, actually, I got snubbed and was sneered at with scorn. It was the alleged comedian Chevy Chase, in Rome to film 'National Lampoon’s European Vacation.' (Seen below with co-stars Beverly D'Angelo and Dana Hill on the set in the Piazza Navona.)

When I returned home to the States, I mentioned this rudeness to a friend, and she volunteered on the spot to hate Chevy Chase for me. In fact, she was happy to do so, volunteering that she often engaged in such activity on behalf of friends. I took her up on it, Chase’s career tanked, I was vindicated. (My friend, now a judge in New York City, only recently felt that enough was enough, stopped her hating, and I’m told the face-making actor is now appearing, after many fallow years, in a mildly popular television series. So there.)

In gratitude, we here at Hate for Hire now offer this service to you. Let us hate others on your behalf. We speak from experience – it’s great to be relieved of the heavy burden of resentment. But it’s also thrilling to know that the malefactors are being dealt with properly. All the satisfaction, none of the responsibility.

As a child, I was often told by my parents, “You don’t hate anybody.” I disagreed then as I do now. Who would you like us to hate? Relatives, neighbors, ex-boyfriends, organized religions, supervisors, you name it. (Just be nice and keep to the lighthearted spirit of the Hate for Hire action team.)

Give us your reasons, then just sit back and let us take over. For free. You will be delighted with the results.

Operators are standing by.